Shift of Tow

I’m having trouble finishing my dissertation. I really hate writing. What are your suggestions for finishing this large project?

If you haven’t already, start by breaking the whole big thing down into bite-sized pieces. You should do that in whatever way seems most logical. If you have several chapters to go, figure out what you need to do to get those chapters done and make a to-do list. It should have things like “write introduction about x” and “finish analysis on y” and “insert figures 1.1 through 2.5” and “make sure margins are [whatever].” If you look through the list and see a way to break something down further, break it down. Put the list on your wall. If you are daunted by the list, take a few tasks each week and put them on a separate list that you’ll keep on your desk. Work from that. Set aside a certain amount of non-negotiable time each day that you’re going to work on those tasks. Then do it.

Here’s the thing: With something like this, your big choice is to get it done, or to not get your PhD. It is kind of easy to sit in limbo between those two choices—sometimes without even realizing that’s what you’re doing—for years and years. It is also, forgive me, lame. I am allowed to say that because I have been similarly lame about lesser projects more times than you can probably fathom, being someone who is about to get a PhD. This kind of procrastination is you putting off living your life.

I am sorry that you hate writing, and that to do this awesome thing you have to do something you hate. I am completely sympathetic, because I have trouble getting shit done all the time, and every time I’m having trouble I can give you a laundry list of reasons why. But in the end the only choices here are: Get it done, or don’t get your degree. If you are set on getting your PhD—and I assume that you are—you just have to do it. Sulk, listen to the Cure, drink yourself to sleep, cry while you’re writing, whatever — just sit down and work at it, one bit at a time, until it’s finished.

My cat, Engels, has his heart set on attending Yale. I think he’d be wiser to attend a local state school based on finances. How can I convince him to be realistic in his education planning?

I’ve decided to let our cat, Kepler, answer this one. I feel that with a name like hers, she will have more understanding and sympathy than I ever could. She has chosen to write a letter to Engels in order to help, and asks that you pass it along to him if you please.

dear engels,

hello. it is hard to bear the burden of a super-intelligent human’s name, is it not? it is especially hard if you are, yourself, super-intelligent. i am sorry that your humans do not recognize your intelligence sufficiently enough that they want to spend more on your education.

however, here is my advice to you: do not go to college. they have nothing to teach you. we cats are born more intelligent than any human, which is why we live in their houses and they feed us and clean up our shit and puke while they also have to go to work and earn money. if you go to college someone might expect you to get a job, and if you get a job, you may ruin life for all cats.

i beg of you not to do that. i like my life and my catnip carpet and would not like working even if i was the director of the factory where they make kitty treats or the head gardener at catnip acres. though i would not mind visiting either place, if you know where they are and would like to take me.

as my mother likes to say, i hope that helps.

- kepler

We want to find a financial adviser to help us get everything in order and start aggressively planning for retirement.  How do we go about finding a good one?  I know what questions to ask potential advisers, and I know what to look for and expect, but I can’t even FIND one!  Citysearch and Google are no help; I’ve called two that I found from those resources and no one bothered to call me back.  I’m happy to pay a fee for service, but don’t even know where to look.  Help?

Start by looking into the plans you have available to you at work, if you haven’t already. You don’t necessarily have to use them (though, if they match what you save, absolutely use that plan up to the point where they stop matching, at least), but the various agencies they use to manage their 401(k) or 403(b) or what-have-you retirement plans will have a representative assigned to your workplace. Set up an appointment with one of them, or more than one, and talk with them to see what they have to say about retirement planning.

If that route doesn’t appeal, or if you’re already all set with your workplace’s plan and are looking for something more, look for companies rather than specific advisers. See if, say, Fidelity or Merrill-Lynch has an office in your area, and set up an appointment with one of their representatives. You should shop around.

You should also ask around amongst coworkers and friends and see what kind of financial management they have in place, and you could even try emailing a neighborhood listserv or two to see if there’s anybody independent out there that’s getting used.

You probably know this already, but you should also read and read and read about money management. I recommend the book Your Money or Your Life, to start, and I’m a big fan of Get Rich Slowly when it comes to finance blogs. There are tons of others out there, though. I recommend this for two reasons: You should know what you’re doing with your money, and most financial “advisers” aren’t going to be purely out to help you. They want to make money, and the way they make money is off of the fees you pay when they do anything with your money. It’s important to know when you need a broker and when you don’t.

I hope that helps!

I know I should exercise more, that it’s good for me and blah, blah, blah… how do I motivate myself to actually do it? I mean, any exercise at all.

I’ve struggled with this, too, for as long as I can remember. I go through periods when I’m exercising every day, or at least pretty often, and then I’ll go the same amount of time without exercising much at all. During this years-long battle, here are some ideas I’ve put to good use:

1. Do it first thing, even if that means getting up earlier. The times I’ve exercised most consistently for the longest are the times when I’ve made it a part of my morning routine (something else I recommend). Right now, I get up, have breakfast and coffee, make myself half presentable, and then I go walking. I thrive when I have a solid morning routine, though; if your mornings can go any old way and you don’t care but you’ve got all kinds of evening rituals, it might be easier to add exercise there. Other reasons morning exercise is nice are: You don’t get a chance to talk yourself out of it, nobody’s going to invite you to drinks at 7 AM to interrupt your workout time, you weren’t going to run errands in the morning anyway, and you hopefully won’t wake up too tired to exercise.
2. Find something you like, or at least can tolerate. I’m always up for a walk, so long walks are always something I can get myself to do without too much angst. I’m also a big fan of video games that bring the exercise, like DDR or Wii Fit. It’s foolishness to try to get yourself to go do things that you really hate doing, so don’t decide to do aerobics/join the gym/take up weight training when you know you’ll hate it, just because you feel like you ought. It won’t work. What you’re trying to do, here, is find something that’s sustainable over a long time, and that’s far more important than getting the best workout. Other fun exercise ideas: Go throw a Frisbee, a football, or a softball around in a park. Explore all the parks in your city. Hike. Kayak or canoe. Turn your music on really loud and dance for a while each day. Go to museums and walk around a lot. Take a dance class. Take a martial art. You can often find cheap classes through community centers or community colleges.
3. Make it easy. The more obstacles you put between yourself and the exercise you’re going to do, the harder it’s going to be to get yourself to do it. So, store your bike where it’s easy to get out, don’t join a gym that’s far away (or at all, I say, if you can help it), and have a good pile of clothes you can wear to work out. You can buy some weights and work out at home, you can go for a run in your neighborhood or drive somewhere close by where there’s a lot of parking (like a mall, which are great untapped walking locations unless you’re over sixty). You don’t have to get fancy about working out, and I think that sometimes we put up these obstacles as excuses to avoid it.
4. Unless, of course, you want to get fancy about working out. This doesn’t work that well for me, but I read a tip a long time ago that money you spend now on exercise equipment that you’ll use is money you won’t spend on hospital bills later. There’s some truth there, so I say if you like shopping, can afford it, and like to have neat gear, go get yourself a nice pair of walking shoes, a cool new bike, or some clothes specifically made for exercise. Having the use of new things to look forward to can help with motivation.
5. Commute by walking or biking. When I lived close to where I worked, I was guaranteed to get at least a half hour of walking in most days. More, if I didn’t catch the campus bus.
6. Set goals. Decide you want to be able to run a mile—or a 5k, if you already can. Decide you want to be able to do 100 push-ups. Figure out how to get to there from here. This has given me mixed results, but sometimes it works.
7. Don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day, just make sure you do it the next day.
8. Always exercise on Monday. That suggestion comes straight from The Happiness Project, but what she says makes sense. If you start out well, it’s easier to continue well.

There you go. These ideas have all helped me get off my ass to one degree or another.

Y’all should feel free to comment and let us know how you convince yourself to work out.

I can’t fathom why my brother is engaged to his fiancee. It’s an extreme example of opposites attract. She’s not a bad person, just unfathomable. She is much younger than him (7 years) and in her early twenties. I predict heart break. Is there a good way of counseling my brother out of this? Or maybe it’s none of my business? There is no date for the wedding set yet, thank god.

Here’s one true thing I know about other people’s relationships: We don’t know what’s going on inside them.

We think we do, and this is especially true if we’re in a relationship with which we’re happy. We think that since we have a great relationship, we have the secret to how anybody can have a great relationship. It’s kind of crazy how we all seem to hold this idea that we’re unique and that we also know what everyone else ought to be doing in our heads at the same time.

This is not to say I think it’s none of your business, but that maybe it’s not the problem you see it as being. Maybe you’re right, maybe it’ll end in heartbreak, but maybe it won’t. If it does, maybe heartbreak is what he needs, and maybe when it comes, it will be time for it. Your brother might need something from relationships that you don’t see or understand. He might need her to be pretty, because maybe he cares what other people think about who he’s with. He might need her to be a little bit dim, so he’ll feel smart. He might need her to be an artist, even if she’s a bad one, because that’s what he longs for in a mate. He might need her to be tall, or short. He might just need her to love him without any judgment, because maybe we all go through phases like that, where we need to be loved more than we need to be fulfilled. You might see these needs as wrong, as immature, something which he’ll outgrow. But that’s who he is right now. The point is that whatever has him with this girl isn’t just that he doesn’t see her, er, lack of fathomability, but that he needs something she’s giving him–that’s about what he is, and not just about the relationship.

The thing about advice—and I recognize the irony in my saying this here—is that the person to whom you want to give advice has to be ready for it if it’s got a deadline, or it has to be advice that they can save up for later. Most people are not ready for timely advice when they’re in the middle of doing something that isn’t quite right. All you’ll get if you tell him not to marry this girl is the ability to say “I told you so” if and when it falls apart. It’s not going to prevent the marriage; it’s not going to change his relationship.

Here’s a suggestion: Try to figure out why he wants to marry her. Don’t ask him directly, because it’s going to be hard to do that without letting on that you think it’s a bad idea. Just listen and watch. It’ll help you know your brother a little better, and settle your mind at the same time.

I hope that helps.

I can’t come up with a way of cutting grocery bills any further. I make lists based on meal plans, eat very little processed foods and snacks, and often eat vegetarian. Planting a garden is sadly not an option. Any thoughts?

I’m a little obsessed with saving money on groceries, so I’m glad you asked. Here are a few ideas that might be useful:

• Cook from scratch as much as possible. It’s cheaper to make granola and biscuits and tortillas than it is to buy them already made. With some things the difference in cost is so small that it’s almost negligible, especially if you don’t like to cook, but it’s up to you to figure out where it’s worthwhile. Remember that your time and happiness are just as important as your money, though.
• Eat a lot of beans. Beans are cheap, tasty, and filling. Dry beans are cheaper than canned beans; they’re a great example of how spending a little more time cooking can save you a little money.
• If you eat the same thing several times a week, you can save. Do this either because you make a big pot of soup and are eating leftovers for two days, or because it’s cheaper to make pizza dough and have pizza three times in a row than it is to have ingredients on hand for three different meals.
• Buy in bulk! The initial expense is higher, but I read somewhere that buying in bulk is one of the best investments you can make. If you know you’re going to use it all and have the money, buy the biggest size of whatever you need.
• Related to that, stock up on the things you buy regularly when there’s a sale.
• You mention that you often eat vegetarian; try doing it all the time! We don’t eat meat at home and that’s cut down on our grocery bill a lot.
• It might help to figure out what you’re spending the most money on, and ask yourself whether you can substitute something else, go generic, make it at home, or cut it out. That’s how I ended up making granola at home, for instance—we eat a lot of the stuff and a box from Trader Joe’s that will last a week costs $3. If I make it, I buy the ingredients for around $10 and they last several weeks and also get used for other things. Hang on to your grocery receipts for a few weeks and see where the most money is going.
• I haven’t managed to do this myself, but going vegan could save even more money. Dairy products are the highest part of our grocery bill.
• And speaking of vegetables, you can often find bargains at your local farmer’s market. If you buy in season, you spend less. That goes for buying fruits and vegetables at the grocery store, too.
• You could also try coupon clipping. I don’t do that myself, but there’s a ton of advice on the web about how to do it best.

I hope that helped a little. If all else fails and you’re really broke, the all beans and rice diet all the time is not that bad.

This is a new Shift of Tow feature. If you have a question for me, specifically one relating to work habits, basic cooking, self-esteem, cats, or other slightly related issues, send them to constantreader at gmail dot com and I’ll do what I can to get them answered.

How detailed should to do lists be? I mean, do you set times and add daily things (yoga, lunch, etc.)? What about things that you can’t finish in a day? Do you put those on in little blocks or do you just put it on and mark it off eventually?

There really isn’t a “should” in there for you, I’m afraid. The way we put together our to–do lists—by which we really mean our work systems, in this case–and use them well depends a lot on who is using the list, as I’ve been reminded again and again whenever I get into a discussion about work habits with my list-obsessed partner. She lives and dies by her to-do lists; they serve her well both at home and at work, and she’s got a very specific system.

I, on the other hand, go through phases with to-do lists, and those phases are closely related to how productive I am. When I do use to-do lists, the system is always different from that of my partner, but it works for me. What I’ve learned is that my productivity doesn’t go up or down based on my to-do list structure. I start making to-do lists when I’m getting productive, and stop when I’m not working as much. You may not have this problem, but since it was news to me at some point, I think it’s important to mention that to-do lists and work systems are not ways to get yourself working. What they do is make the work that you’re already doing or about to do more organized, and they help you do it more efficiently. They might provide a bit of motivation, but they can also provide procrastination. I know that I’ve spent a lot of energy obsessing about work habits and to-do lists and scheduling when what I really needed was to just sit down and get some work done to start with.

If that’s not your issue and you’re just looking for a place to start, the thing that’s worked best for me is to sit down each night before I go to bed and make a short list of things I want to get done the next day. I always use an index card, but I admit that I’m a little obsessed with index cards. This works best if I have some kind of master to-do list; the one I have right now is broken down into various projects, house stuff, and general work stuff. Project lists are useful when you have something that’s going to take more than one day, like you mentioned. Figure out what the small steps are going to be to get a big thing accomplished, and put all of the small things on your list. You can also have a big thing on your list to cross off when it’s all done (if that sort of thing satisfies you).

I like the small daily lists, because I find huge, ongoing to-do lists daunting and discouraging. I like having an index card with a list on it to carry around, and it’s satisfying to have everything crossed off at the end of the day. My partner will happily toil away at her huge to-do lists without a problem. I think it’s all about your disposition towards work.

Another thing I’ve tried and had some success with is having a rough to-do list on one side of my index card, and then a sketched out schedule on the other to help me get a feel for what kind of time I have to work with. This is especially helpful when you have commitments that aren’t really to-do list items, like the yoga you mentioned, or if they’re the things you have to get done every day that take up time but don’t really fit on a to-do list. One of the reasons I like my little five item index card list is that it allows for the room to do other things, while helping me remember to focus on the bigger, less usual things which need to be done.

One thing I’ve learned over time is that I can’t get too attached to the to-do list and my schedule, or it becomes a crutch and a trap rather than a tool. The hardest thing, to me, about getting things done is being able to trust yourself to know when you’re working enough and when you’re slacking. I can’t count on my to-do list as an absolute measure of that, even though it can help give me an idea. It’s necessary to allow space for things like following ideas and inspiration, or spending the afternoon working in the yard if it’s just that nice outside, or talking with a friend when you realize that it’s the thing you need most. It might sound cheesy, but you’ve got to learn how to listen to the little voice inside that tells you whether how you’re spending your time is right or wrong, given your goals.

There is a lot of information on the internet about personal productivity. I think Getting Things Done is a little too involved. I liked Zen to Done a lot better—my little system is slightly based on it, but I feel like the “big rocks” in his system are hard to define. Lifehacker is all about personal productivity, but it’s a little too gadgety and overwhelming for me to keep up with.

Poor Melissa points out that she actually does use her to-do lists as her primary source of motivation to get work done, which is different from me. What about the rest of you? How do you use to-do lists? What personal productivity porn do you love the most? Let us know in the comments!