Ask Shift of Tow
If you’re in a relationship where the spark has gone, there’s no physical intimacy and you annoy the heck out of each other most of the time, but neither of you has the desire to go out and find “someone else” and you still care for each other, what else would trigger a break-up? Just “I can’t be truly happy around you” doesn’t seem a strong enough reason to go through the disentangling of two enmeshed lives. Opinion?
Oh, honey. I’m sorry that it’s like that. “I can’t be truly happy around you” is definitely a powerful enough reason to leave someone in the right context, but there are a lot of other factors, too. I’m not going to say whether you should stay or go because 1) you didn’t tell me much about the relationship and 2) it’s something you have to decide for yourself. I went through something similar a while back, though, and here are some useful things to think about while you’re making your decision:
Are you staying because you’re afraid to be alone? Because you’re afraid that your departure will destroy your partner? If those are your best reasons, it might be time to leave. The first is unhealthy for you, and the second shows a huge lack of respect for the person you’re with. It is condescending and cruddy to your partner to think that they won’t be able to live without you; what you really mean is that you can’t imagine their life without you in it.
Are you staying because you love your partner, but it’s not working? Get therapy. Work on it. Set a deadline after which you must either be okay with staying, or you’re going to leave, because you should only invest so much of your life in trying to make a failing relationship work.
Are you staying because you have children together? Young children should be your first concern, because they’re still so malleable. Are they going to benefit if y’all split? I think that sometimes it’s going to be better for the kids if the parents split, but sometimes it won’t.
Are you staying because you made a vow to stay? If you don’t want to break your promise I can get behind that, but you’ve got to find a way to be happy within the relationship. Or you need to leave and not get married again until you’re sure you can keep a vow to stay. Lord, we get married too lightly in this country, and I say that as someone with a divorce in her past.
How long have you been thinking about leaving? Is this something you think about once a year, or once a month? When you think about it, does it cause a big downward spiral, or are you just irritated? How much of your emotional life is spent worrying about this relationship?
What do you want from a relationship, and how does it differ from what you’re getting? Make lists.
In the end, there is rarely a perfect, crystalline emotion that tells you to end or begin or stay in a relationship, though I do think that there are sometimes pivotal moments that clue you in to your right answer.
Also, if you’re not happy, get therapy for yourself along with any couples therapy you do. It’s easy to blame your relationship or your partner when you’re unhappy, and while sometimes you may have it right, that might only be a small part of your story.
Good luck, and may you find a way to joy no matter which choice you make.
